Obsession, Addiction, and Looping

As I was getting ready for work this morning, a song popped in my head. One I had not heard in many years. It took me back to a very… interesting time in my young life. About twenty years ago, actually.

When I was 13, I was battling addiction.

You’ll find in a lot of my blog posts that music is a huge part of my life. This post is no different. In fact, this post is actually about all about a song.

The year was 2000. And I became addicted to a song. No, not just “really into” a song. Not just one of those things where you love it or it gets stuck in your head. It was causing me severe withdrawals when I couldn’t hear it. I was completely obsessed over having it hear it ONE MORE TIME just to “be okay”. It was all I could think about. “When can I play that song again?” “How much longer?” “How many times can I play it?” It completely consumed me as a person. As soon as I heard it, the chemicals in my brain released that “happy feeling” and as soon as it was over I was depressed. I had to listen again. Again. Again. Again. Again.

If you’re curious what song it was, it’s a bit embarrassing, but it was “Livin’ La Vida Mickey”. A Disney remake of the song “Livin’ La Vida Loca.” It HAD to be the Mickey Mouse version. With the music video. It was a pretty tame/innocent version compared to the original. Kid-friendly, I guess. I don’t even know why or how I became addicted. I remember the music video coming on TV, and, I don’t know what happened. I got hooked. I remember downloading a version online so I could watch it whenever. “Whenever” being, when I was allowed to, because my parents also noticed I was getting a bit too obsessed with this.

At this point in my life, I can listen to that song and not have a problem. I haven’t seen the video in years so I couldn’t even tell you what was in it. Maybe it was the video itself with the song that got me hooked? Who knows.

But I do know this. Autism can trigger addictive and obsessive behavior. And boy was I in one heck of an addictive state.

Why am I writing about this now? Well, like I said, the song just popped into my head this morning and got me thinking about the different types of obsessive behavior in relation to autism.

You’ve probably heard of earworms, those songs that get in your head and you just can’t get them out? I’ve had that. That’s pretty common for most people. I wouldn’t really call that obsessive behavior. That’s more of a “catchy tune” and it’s something your brain just kind of picks up on and latches onto and nothing to really worry about.

In this situation, it was really was an addiction. Like I said, complete with withdrawals and depressive states without it. And it was just a song! Just a silly song and a funny little video. This goes to show just how easily we can become trapped in our own minds when we live in a repetitive state. Which brings me to my next topic – looping.

You’ve probably seen a video or heard a song where it’s on “loop”. The same thing plays over, and over. It’s an infinite cycle of one thing. I think I’ve discussed looping before but it’s a good time to bring it up again.

I’ve had episodes where I’ve been literally haunted by a loop. Totally different from an addiction. It gives me no sense of value or endorphins or serotonin or anything. It’s just THERE. My mind will cycle something to a point of driving me crazy.

My earliest memory of this was when I was about 8. And a commercial jingle got stuck in my head so hard that it was on loop nonstop for at LEAST a week, maybe two. Nothing could make it leave. It would be on repeat in my brain like an intruder, loudly playing, and I couldn’t escape it.

As an adult, I still get loops. Sometimes it’s a tune. Sometimes it’s a scenario. Sometimes it’s a place. Any sort of thought that gets stuck on repeat with no end in sight. It’s maddening.

So what do I do with a loop? Well the simple answer is, when something is caught in a loop, you have to stop it. Now, if it was something tangible, you could just turn it off, right? But the brain is a little more tricky than that.

If it’s a song, it’s a little easier. I’ve learned to just play other songs until the loop breaks. Unfortunately, that can take up to a few days to completely break a song loop, but it has worked for me. I also have to eliminate the loop song from my playlist altogether until the cycle is broken.

If it’s an image that won’t go away – let’s say I might have seen something disturbing on TV and I can’t get it out of my head. This one is harder. I have to force myself to not engage that thought. I have to force myself to “look away” in my mind. I have to find anything else to distract me. I have to live in a constant “distracted state” because if my mind rests, it might go back to that image. Once I’ve lived in distraction mode long enough, usually the image will go away. This can take up to months to get rid of, depending on how disturbing it was for me, but in that time, it’s not constant. It will appear less and less frequently in my mind until it goes away altogether.

A situation, on the other hand, is something I tend to lock into when I’m either in a state of high anxiety or anticipation. This has to be addressed similarly to the “images” loop. But if you’re currently IN THE SITUATION it’s hard to not think about it. Some of these situations could be, when you might be in a disagreement with someone and it lasts awhile, or making big life decisions, or there are changes going on around you. It’s easy to obsess over all of the details, repeating scenarios and potential outcomes in your mind over and over. I feel like most people tend to do this too. I really don’t know how to stop overthinking here. I’ve tried to just “change the subject” in my brain and I guess that helps. Talking things out with others too. It can certainly become a problem when I just feel like I’m sitting in that situation with no real outcome.

Now that I’ve addressed looping and my battles with that, I want to go back to addictions.

If I do find myself developing addictive behavior, I now try to monitor it. Luckily I haven’t had problems with it in recent years. With anything, if behaviors tend to show up, it’s best to take precautions to make sure they don’t become a real addiction. Even if it’s something as simple as a song. Don’t become a slave to something you can control. Find alternative ways to get those “high” feelings without becoming dependent.

Side note: A GREAT book that was recommended to me many years ago is “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. She talks about her alcohol addictions but the same principles can be applied to literally any other situation. People, things, substances, anything.

Something else to consider that I’ve been reading about: is it bad to prevent someone on the spectrum from engaging in repetitive behaviors if they use it as a coping mechanism? Short answer: It depends!

Again, if something is becoming an ADDICTION, something that is obviously providing some sort of obsessive rewards system, then that’s something that really needs to be addressed before it becomes some sort of dependent behavior.

If it’s something that’s more of stimming, or something that calms down the person to keep their anxiety in check, then I really think that’s okay as long as it’s not harmful to themselves or others.

I have no issue with listening to the same song on repeat over and over for half an hour if it helps me be calm or makes me happy. If it comes to a point where you can’t be okay WITHOUT it, then, yeah, time to keep it in check.

Hopefully this was a little insight into an autistic mind and some of the struggles we encounter. Maybe it gave you some things to think about for yourself, too!

Clarity in Solitude

As of this entry, I’ve been working at home for over 4 weeks. And this is my quarantine story.

I think I’ve rewritten this entry about 3 times now. Let’s try one more time!

At first, I was worried that I’d feel unproductive. I was worried I’d go crazy being alone too much. I was worried about a lot of things.

I remember the day I went home. I cried. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay at work. But I knew that my immune system had been weakened. I was starting to feel sick. I wasn’t sleeping. I knew that I wasn’t doing okay for awhile, and it had caught up with me. My throat was starting to hurt, my chest was congested. Was it allergies? Maybe. But I knew that I wasn’t well and if I continued to neglect my health I’d get worse.

What really got to me was taking off my watch. I remember unfastening the strap, sitting it down on my jewelry box, and just, feeling defeated.

“I guess I won’t be wearing this anymore,” I said to myself.

I mean, technically, I could still wear it, obviously. And it wasn’t like I was super attached to it. I wear different watches. But just the feeling of knowing that my life was about to adjust to a new existence of basically a sort of house arrest, I felt that I had lost my freedom.

So here’s pretty much what happened.

I jumped in right away. I was lucky enough to have my laptop set up for remote access to my work computer whenever I needed it. That was a big help. But I pretty much do most of my work in-house. Literally, in the house, on my laptop… ok you get it.

I kept my same work schedule but my routine adjusted to fit my new flow.

Everything I did at work I was doing at home. I’m staying busy and on-task.

But here’s what had to change…

At work I have a standing desk. At home, I’d pretty much just be at my dining room table. Sitting on a stool, not even a chair, because I needed to be eye level with the screen or my neck would start hurting.

I can’t sit all day. Really. It hurts my back and my legs and my shoulders and pretty much everything! So I started walking. First it was short little walks. Now I go for a sort of mini workout walk. I go at least once a day. Usually two. If I’m lucky, I’ll go on three, but two is about what I can afford.

I have to say, walking alone on a cool, crisp morning by myself has become my absolute favorite part about quarantine. I love getting all of the fresh air and nature. I love that I can feel my body getting stronger and healthier. I love that I can ENJOY being by myself. I used to hate being alone because I’d only have dark thoughts. Now I can bask in the goodness of the world around me, despite all of the bad things going on. These walks have been my saving grace. Yes I’m alone, but I don’t feel alone. I talk to God. I tell Him things that are frustrating me, and I tell Him the things I’m thankful for and what I’m looking forward to in the future.

Last weekend, I made some pretty big changes. (Not really, but when you work from home and you barely do anything outside your house, little things are big things!)

First, I moved my old computer desk from my bedroom to the dining room. As I mentioned before, I had been working from my dining room table, mostly because my tv is nearby and I need it for work. Also, experts say to make your workspace separate from your sleeping space. Well, my desk wasn’t doing me any good in my room. And my kiddo had pretty much overtaken it with her toys and projects. So that was the first thing. Now I have a REAL workspace with a real desk and it actually feels SO MUCH BETTER.

Next, dusting! Spring cleaning was in full swing. Plus more sorting through items. Every so often I go through old items and donate them. My dining room is clean and rearranged, my bedroom is far less cluttered, and I feel accomplished.

The hard part, the biggest thing I’m struggling with, is not seeing my fiancé. We haven’t been together in almost a month. I miss him so much. Not because I’m lonely, because I’m honestly fine being by myself. But it hurts being without him. We never had a real chance to celebrate our engagement since COVID-19 struck right around that time. And yeah, I’m pretty concerned about how the future will impact us getting married. But we will, at some point, get there.

I’m lucky that I can at least still be with my daughter and parents. We are all staying at home and limiting outside exposure. They’ve been a huge help throughout my life but even more so through this trying time.

TIME TO BREATHE

Being away from work does have its challenges. But if I’m being totally honest with myself, I did not realize how stressed out I was inside the building. I work in news. And I think that this stuff rolls off my shoulders and I don’t take it too personally, but apparently, I do. I’ve become so much healthier in the last few weeks alone, just by not being surrounded by my standard work environment.

I let things get to me. I get stressed out. Noise, lights and other stimuli can be overwhelming. I let other people’s opinions of me bother me more than I should. I completely freak out when I make mistakes and assume that people think I’m incompetent. All these things, and more, just follow me around and keep dark thought clouds around my head.

Now that it’s just me, I can focus. I can let my guard down and not tense up so much. I feel like I really needed this time to detox and clear my mind. It’s been great to get back to an exercise routine and stay calm. I feel pretty healed, actually.

But I’m also ready to get my life back to normal. It’s definitely frustrating not being able to do anything. My daughter wants to go back to school and she misses her friends. She and I are starting to get stir crazy! When I do go back to work, I think I’ll be ready to face things head on again, refreshed.

FINAL THOUGHTS

1. Appreciate the little things
2. When things go back to “normal”, remember to take time for yourself. Don’t feel like YOUR needs aren’t a priority.
3. Remember what’s really important.
4. Sometimes simple is better.
5. Being extra clean and sanity is good ALL year round, not just during a pandemic!

 

Here’s your permission slip

Anxiety/Depression/Disorders will tell you a lot of things, most of them lies, and we all talk about that… but what about when they tell you to WAIT?

Waiting can be a great thing. It’s important to not rush into big decisions. Sometimes waiting is inevitable, like waiting your turn in line. But waiting can be something that puts a hindrance on your own personal growth.

I remember a few years ago going through some rough times, that I just didn’t want to do anything TODAY. Why bother looking nice today? Why bother working on my projects today? Why put any effort into TODAY, when today is just another day and it’ll be over with in a few hours?

Then, that’s when the BAD thoughts start coming.

“You aren’t that pretty anyway.” “Nobody is ever going to appreciate your art/writing/etc.” “You won’t ever achieve anything great, because you’re just average.” “YOU. DON’T. ACTUALLY. MATTER.”

Then you try to counteract it with, okay, I mean, I matter to my friends and family. That counts for something, right?”

“So? You’re done. You’ll never have your youth back. You’ll never finish anything you start. Nobody cares what you DO. Sure, you’re around, and you contribute something to society and your social circle. But you should wait. Wait things out… Wait until your HAPPY again before you wear your favorite dress. Wait until you’re not so busy and then MAYBE you can pick up your old hobbies. Wait until you have things figured out before you TRY to even get yourself together, because really, what good is putting in any effort TODAY if you’re not going to FULLY enjoy it? You’re just going to be let down again. Wait until you’re stable to be happy. Just wait…”

NO. NOOOOOO. WRONG. BAD. REWIND. BACK UP. NOPE. NO.

All that negative talk in my head doesn’t make sense when I type it out, does it? I know these same thoughts go through my friends’ heads too. All this BAD talk that tells us we’re just not good enough TODAY. Then it creeps into tomorrow. All week. All month… 6 months…

I learned in therapy years ago that I have to start making daily changes. What exactly is holding me back? Why CAN’T I choose joy today? Is whatever I think really keeping me from trying to be better? So I’ve been trying to take it once step at a time.

I’ll wear my favorite piece of jewelry today. I’ll wear my eye shadow today. I’ll drink that cup of coffee today. I’ll buy one thing for myself once in awhile if I see something that inspires me – but only if I really love it. I’ll write in my journal today. I’ll go for a walk today.

Then, review what I did accomplish:

Maybe I didn’t have time to work on my art today, but I can write down sketch ideas. I didn’t have time to organize something I’ve been meaning to today, but I did get my other tasks done. Maybe I ate something a little unhealthy but the rest of my day was on track.

And guess what? It actually worked.

I started feeling more confident once I invested in myself, even on days when I didn’t feel up to it. Because honestly, what WAS I waiting for? Why did I want to wait to feel happy before I felt happy? That didn’t even make sense. Happiness isn’t about lack of depression. Happiness isn’t a lack of bad things in your life. Happiness isn’t suddenly all the problems go away. Happiness is you, being you, and giving yourself permission to feel good things, even if you think today doesn’t matter.

Because TODAY does matter. And so do you.

Nothing is promised. You may not have 6 months from now. Or next month. Or even tomorrow. What you do have is right now. What are you doing RIGHT NOW to make yourself better? Even if it’s something as simple as having a better attitude about your job. Maybe it’s treating yourself to something at the end of the day, like watching your favorite movie or just a warm bath/shower.

TODAY I give YOU permission to do something for yourself. Don’t wait for tomorrow. Now you need to give yourself permission. I hope you take it the opportunity to value yourself a little more today.

(Keep scrolling for bonus content!)

— I found this helpful —

The other day, I had a really bad case of negativity as I was driving home. Out of nowhere, I was suddenly flooded with all sorts of bad thoughts that didn’t even make sense, and completely inconsistent with the situation I was stressing about. I really had to make myself calm down, stop, breathe and focus. There was no truth to my anxieties. I think a lot of times we definitely just REACT to the lies of anxiety/depression without actually stopping to evaluate them.

These are a few steps I’m trying to work on implementing when I get anxiety:

1. Is it true? (if you aren’t sure, then the answer is no, because you cannot confirm this)
2. Is it in need of my immediate attention? (usually it isn’t, so address it later when you can talk it out with someone)
3. Is it REALLY important? (often I find it’s generalized anxiety about something that isn’t dire and is probably “nothing”)
4. If this needs my attention now, what I can actively do right away to work on the problem instead of internalizing it and making it worse in my head?
5. How can I avoid this particular trigger in the future?

Good luck!

Rocketgirl

Most people who know me know that I’m a big Elton John fan. What most people DON’T know is the story of why he’s so important to me. Ever since the movie Rocketman came out, I’ve been wanting to write out my thoughts on the legendary musical genius.

The year? 1994. I was turning 7 that year. As any young Disney fan, I was excited for the latest upcoming animated feature, The Lion King.

Normally, I don’t care for when there’s that remix at the end of movies, where someone else sings the songs during the credits. But this time… something was VERY different.

That was probably the first time I actually heard anything performed by Elton John. I remember hearing my  parents talk about him composing the music for the movie, and that he contributed to writing those two famous songs, The Circle of Life, and Can You Feel the Love Tonight.

Now, again, I was about 7 at the time. I wasn’t one to really get into “feelings”. I didn’t like sad songs. I didn’t like serious things. But these two songs touched my young heart in a way that I still feel to this day. I think that was the first time I ever really got in touch with my sensitive side. It’s not something I talked about because I was kind of embarrassed by it. Elton’s deep voice and his singing style tugged at my heart. I kind of blew it off on the outside. I might have even pretended not to like them because they were sad. But deep down, I loved those songs and cherished them.

There’s something else you need to know about me to grasp the importance of Elton in young Julie’s life. We would often visit my grandparents who lived out in the country. Their house was a good little hour-or-so drive away, and we’d usually listen to music on the way to and from. Of course, the Lion King soundtrack was one of the things we’d play on tape. Yes, tape, not CD’s back then! My grandparents’ house was something of an escape, or a second home. I loved visiting them and having a sort of escape in the woods. It was the happiest memories of my childhood, having the whole family together, especially for Christmas. For whatever reason, I latched on to those two Lion King songs and associated them with those days. Maybe it’s because the feelings I felt during the songs closely resembled the deep feelings and connection I had with the visits. Like a sad, nostalgic feel, feeling love for my family, I’m not sure exactly what it was. But that’s what I felt.

My grandmother died when I was 11. Things changed a lot after that. We didn’t visit much anymore. Every time I thought of or heard “Can You Feel the Love Tonight”, I instantly thought of Granny. It sounds weird, because it is a romantic song, but somehow the strong emotions in the song reminded me of the strong feelings I had for her. I would think back on those days playing at her house, those happy Christmas mornings, the drive going up there, it was all somehow connected. And, as you can imagine, the “Circle of Life” began to take on new meaning for me. It all sort of made sense. Death is a part of the circle of life. I think that was pretty obvious in the movie, but until you experience it yourself, you can’t know what loss is like. However, Circle of Life wasn’t a sad thing. I think it helped me understand that this is part of life. We all live. We all die. And life goes on. Elton’s music helped me deal with my emotions and cope with things I was too young to understand at the time.

(Fast forward several years)

Over time, I began to become more familiar with Elton’s music. I had a special love for Tiny Dancer, because I took dance lessons. I also loved old 50’s style music, which Crocodile Rock reminded me of. Anything that was Elton’s I loved. I was enamored with his voice. My mom bought a CD with a large collection of his music, which we’d listen to in the car sometimes. Eventually, I learned that he mostly wrote the music, not the lyrics, but that didn’t disappoint me at all. It was actually the music itself that I loved. (And him singing.) He could sing about paint drying and grass growing and I’d be, “Okay, cool!”

College was another transitional time for me. That was the time I first heard “Someone Saved My Life Tonight”. And, in a way, someone did. Elton helped me again through another difficult loss. It was the end of my first relationship. I was heartbroken. I went through some serious depression. I played that song over. And over. And over. And over. Elton was with me through my darkest times. I’d sometimes play his other songs, just to hear his voice. It wasn’t a romantic thing, but just like an old friend who has known me since I was young. He helped me feel like he understood me even if we never met.

This next part…

This is hard to write. I am not going into the details as to why or what. There was this one night. It was sitting alone in the passenger seat. I was crying. I was listening to “Candle in the Wind”. I was hurting so bad. I felt like my life had been cut short, like in the song. I felt like I had lost everything. I felt like nothing could take away the hurt I was feeling. I listened to that song a few times on my phone. The driver came back and asked why I was crying. I said I couldn’t reply. I just needed to go. And every time I hear that song,  I think of that night. And I realize how fortunate I am to have moved on from where I was. It was just another example of Elton’s music resonating with me in my times of need.

And now, ROCKETMAN:

I watched the early trailers for Rocketman. I was SO. INCREDIBLY. EXCITED. A movie about my favorite artist. I couldn’t wait.

From the previews, I honestly thought this was going to be a really fun movie. Lots of upbeat music, concerts, all of that jazz.

I was wrong. I was very, very wrong. And I’m so glad.

Rocketman has some fun moments. But it is such an emotional movie. It was exactly what it needed to be. Powerful. Deep. Struggles. Redemption. There was so much emotion in this movie. I loved it. I loved it much more than I would have if it was just a fun movie. As I was watching, I felt that tugging in my heart, wanting to be with Elton during his lowest times just like he was there for me. I felt so much for him. I fell in love with this movie. The music was perfect. The singing was great. The story was so real.

An important side note here, as well.

As a single mom, I don’t get a lot of time to myself. I don’t get to go on many dates, so the times I do have with my boyfriend are really important. As of this entry, I’ve been divorced about 5 months. The last couple of years felt like a roller coaster. I’m finally at the stage where I’m feeling like my old self again. A happier version of me. Rocketman was the second movie I got to see with my boyfriend in theaters. I feel like, once again, Elton is here with me during a very important point in my life. A happy point this time. I’m thankful that we got to see Rocketman together. I feel like Elton will continue to be a big part of our relationship in the future, too.

THANK YOU, ELTON!

I will likely never meet Elton John. He will probably never see this blog entry. It would be a dream come true for him to read my story and to see him in person to thank him for being there with me for most of my life. For being there for the hard times and the good times too. His music means so much to me, and after seeing Rocketman, I respect him even more after everything he’s been through himself.

“I would have liked to known you, but I was just a kid”.

I never knew who “Elton John” was during the peak of his career. I didn’t really care about all of the flashy costumes. I didn’t care about the rock star. I care about the voice and the mastermind of Reginald Dwight. He could have been a plain, nerdy nobody and I would have admired him.

One last thing. This past year was the first time I heard “I’m Still Standing”. I wasn’t sure if I liked it at first, but it grew on me, for sure. It kind of became my new anthem for my new life. I’m still standing after everything I’ve been through, too. Once again, Elton has a song for exactly what I’m feeling.

Thanks for everything, Reg.

 

 

Finding serenity amidst chaos

Life with autism, whether mild or severe, will definitely come with a bit of chaos in some form or fashion.

I’ve always stressed the importance of managing the side effects of autism, especially if that means doing things you enjoy. In this post, I’m going to address some therapeutic things that have been helping me in the past year or two.

My most recent discovery is gardening. I know that sounds kind of boring at first but hear me out! I used to be terrible at maintaining plants (ask my mom!) but last year I asked my parents for flowers for my birthday. They kind of thought that was weird at first, but honestly, I sincerely loved having the flowers at my desk at work. I kept thinking I’d like to try growing plants again. A month ago (maybe two) I brought home a small rose plant from the grocery store. I was determined to keep it alive! Sure enough, it’s been thriving. I really look forward to seeing new buds pop up and watch them develop into roses. Since then I’ve planted some seeds in other pots and I’m waiting on them to sprout.

Gardening has really given me a joy I didn’t know before. I can’t explain it. But it’s beautiful.

Another way I manage my stress lately is learning acceptance. I think I posted about this in the past, but I’ve had to learn to accept things like change, new experiences, and to try to be “ok” with things out of my control. That last bit can be excruciating. Control is something we on the spectrum crave. Letting that go will always be a challenge.

Other things include trying to be more active and managing my diet and sleep. I’m much more serious about my health, which in turn has improved my mind. I’ve always struggled with insomnia, even as a kid. But I’m taking melatonin now, which has significantly helped me during the night. Interestingly, another Aspie friend tried using melatonin and he had the opposite result – it keeps him up! Obviously, everyone is different and things that work for one person may not work for another. There’s a lot of trial and error there.

I also have to shout out to two of my best friends who pushed me out of my comfort zone a bit and encouraged me to try new things, even if I didn’t want to. I mentioned before, having that support system is really important. And having people to help you along the way makes all the difference.

My last piece of advice is keeping your mind busy. That kind of seems like it would be the opposite of calm, but, let me explain. I’ve been trying things like puzzle games, reading short online series, podcasts, things that are not necessarily “active” or “stressful” but something to keep the anxiety and racing thoughts at bay. And it’s not like just mindless watching television. It’s keeping the brain engaged, but with something non-stressful. These have helped me to stay focused on the present. Best of luck to you on your journey!

For those who know that I’m a huge Sailor Moon fan, I wonder who realized my nod to the series in the title…

Why mental health conversations MATTER

Insert really catchy first paragraph here. Is that an awkward enough beginning?

(This first section is mostly life updates. If you want to skip past this, I’ll have it marked below where I actually stop talking about me for once.) 

Now that that’s out of the way, first of all, I wrote a really long post earlier this week and somehow, despite me hitting “save” multiple times, it has been lost. So, I try again!

Yes, it’s been, oh, about two years I guess since my last blog entry. And after a couple of years hiatus, you’ll find I’m a bit different personality-wise. And that’s ok!

CHANGE is so important. It’s one of those things that we Aspies fear, cringe at, avoid, all of that. BUT! Changing for the better is so important. And with that, I’ll bring you up to speed on what caused some of these changes in my life.

First up, divorce. Without going into too many personal details, it was a decision I made when I came to terms with something: “I wasn’t being honest with myself.” I was not being honest about what I needed in life, what I needed in a relationship, what I wanted, where I wanted to go, who I needed to be… all of that. It was a very difficult decision and a hard process to go through, but at the end of it, I see myself much more clearly now. I’m becoming something new. Or, rather, I believe I was changing all of this time. I believe I had been a caterpillar early on in the marriage. Then I began to cocoon. And then I realized that there was no more room for me to grow in my shell. I needed to be something completely different in order to be the person I was becoming, and I needed room to grow outside of that shell.

Secondly, as I watch my child grow and see her struggle with her own special needs, I find myself developing along with her. It’s totally different when you are a caregiver. Things are different when you’re a parent. It all changes you. She’s an amazing kid and I love watching her grow into a very interesting little person!

Third, I’ve surrounded myself with new people who are kind of on the same wavelength as me. We all kind of click in our own way. It’s important to have support. When you find friends that get you and encourage you, it makes ALL the difference.

AND NOW TO THE TOPIC AT HAND! (MENTAL HEALTH STUFF)

So, the title of this entry is about why mental health conversations matter. Yes, you see all this “mental health” stuff on social media and everywhere you go, and I get that sometimes it’s a bit “too much” at times.

The thing is, mental health can’t really just be summed up in a pretty picture that says “take care of yourself!” because, let’s be honest, that’s a really over-simplified version of the big picture.

But what these images CAN do for us, is spark the conversation. What am I feeling? Can I put it in a few words to share with someone? Maybe they feel the same way. Maybe they want to ask us what’s going on. Maybe they are able to encourage us. So I think that, despite “mental health” being a bit cliche these days, it’s still important to talk about. Even if it’s just “awareness” posts in the media. (If you’ve been on my “Spectrum in Perspective” Facebook page lately, that’s pretty much all you see.)

What does all this mental health stuff have to do with autism?  

I’m glad you asked! No you didn’t… I did it for you.

As I’ve discussed before, there are a lot of side effects of autism, or things that we experience that can cause other problems. I’ve been pretty open about my past struggles with depression and anxiety. I feel it’s important to find what keeps you calm. What makes you happy? What drives away all of the negativity? Find those things. REALLY enjoy them! I’ve found the more you surround yourself with what makes you really happy, the less likely you’ll slip into those negative states of mind.

Also, don’t be afraid to talk about mental health with someone. If you’re really having a hard time getting out of a funk, or if things are just really hard, find a friend who will talk it out with you. It may not even be someone you’re close to. It could be someone you least expect that will open the door to a great conversation.

Going back to my personal stuff I wrote about earlier in this entry, I’ve changed my focus a lot to really just “be happy”. I know that’s hard to do when you’re in a bad place. Trust me, I’ve been in bad places for many years. I get it. But I think that once you tell yourself that you’re going to find your inner joy, when you STRIVE to be happy, you work for it by taking time to get to know yourself better, it DOES come with time. It’s like, dating yourself, if you think about it. How can I love myself like I love someone else? What can I do to care for myself each day, even in small ways, to build myself up to a better me?

Love yourself. Love who you were. Love who you are. Love who you can be.

What’s causing modern-day depression?

While my blog on the spectrum is generally meant to be about Asperger’s, I sometimes like to delve into other mental health issues. I’ve talked about depression several times, as it was one of my primary struggles as well. Today, I want to expand on an article I read about how teen depression is linked to not having enough “freedom” in the Western culture. (And why I disagree.)

The article went on about how adolescence is a fairly new concept. And I can follow that. In the olden times, young people, often in their teens, were already having full time jobs, supporting families, having kids, etc. The idea of once you were “of age” you were an adult, is a very old tradition. Introducing the idea that young people needed more time to develop into fully-functioning adults is a “relatively new” idea, if you look at the total span of human history.

But, would creating the group “teenagers” cause higher rates of depression in these young adults? Here’s why I disagree, and alternative ideas I have on the subject.

First, research has shown that a young brain doesn’t really fully develop until somewhere in the mid-twenties. So giving a teenager full freedom (as in, no longer needing to go to school, no longer living with their families) may be ideal to the teen, but are they fully prepared at 14 years old to deal with the gravity of major life decisions?

Some may argue, that yes, they are. In fact, many teens are actually forced to take care of themselves (and others) due to their circumstances. And I can agree with that. But, to give these young people the BEST opportunities, I would argue, that continuing their education through the end of high school, and not over-burdening a young mind with an abundance of heavy responsibilities more suited to someone in their twenties or thirties, makes for overall better mental health.

Discipline is also a factor. I live in a city where the average age of violent crimes committed is around 19, with some of the younger ages being 14 or 16. I believe that better opportunities for these young people would dramatically benefit them. Better education, better programs that inspire self-discipline, and better training to show them that there’s a better way and a better future.

And sure, I know that this is all very basic, and problems are much deeper than this. But, to say that lack of “freedom” is the root of the significant rise in depression, I just can’t get behind that. Here’s another reason:

What we have now in modern times that we didn’t have access to before is the constant intake of social media. Young minds, that may have trouble distinguishing between reality and life through a filter, can easily get sucked into the trap of social media. When their friends only post the best looking selfies, or only share the highlights of a trip, or show off all of their purchases, it can be hard on anyone to not look at themselves and think, if I only that were me. And of course, it doesn’t stop there. Internet bullying is rampant, especially in high school. It’s so easy for someone to type a cruel or compromising message/photo for everyone to see. I would readily argue that the complexities of social media and the dangerous of misuse can very easily cause a teen to be depressed with their live or circumstances.

Another factor is lifestyle. In the United States, our diet is filled with processed foods, salt, sugar, fats, oils, and plenty of caffeine. Without a healthy balance in our meals, and of course, lack of exercise, our mental health can decrease if our bodies aren’t healthy.

There are so many reasons in our culture why depression is on the rise. But I fully believe in helping our teens do better and preparing them for a good future when they’re ready. I believe in helping kids achieve healthy goals, and not pushing them into the world of adulthood too quickly. Rather, having the proper tools to process and navigate the heaviness of the world in proper time.

Thanks for reading! I know this is a very controversial post. My hope was that the reader sees my perspective on the idea that lack of abundant “freedom” for teens (really more of the younger teens), shouldn’t be the major factor for a rise in depression cases. And why it’s important for young minds to take the time to formulate into adults who become healthy members of society.

From there to here

Well, well. Where have I been, you ask?

I’ll spare my readers a long-winded monologue about still adjusting to parenthood. But basically, that’s my biggest reason for not updating much. Lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of sanity. You know.

So what have I learned in my year-long absence? Has it been a year? Pretty close, if not, more.

Anxiety can cripple you physically. It’s hard to get that under control. But anxiety is awful. It’s been keeping me sick for about 6 months now. I’m working on it.

Environment is key. About a year ago I changed jobs from radio to television. I work in a newsroom where it’s busy, often loud, and filled with stimulants we’re not even paying attention to. For my health, I was moved a couple of times. I’m now in a quiet, dark corner away from the main hustle and bustle. I like it because it’s far enough away from the busiest part of the room, but close enough to where I can hear what’s going on.

Socializing is still a huge challenge, despite being surrounded by lots more people. I feel like I’m an island most of the time, even before being moved around. I really, really want to make friends. I’m friendly. My coworkers are friendly. But really being able to connect with people is where I fall flat. I can’t seem to let other people know I care or am interested in them, and I certainly don’t feel like most people care much about what I’m going through. It’s kinda like, we all acknowledge our good days or bad days, but that’s about it. It’d be nice to have people to really listen and reach out, especially outside of work. I try too, but like I said, it’s definitely a struggle.

My therapist asked if I even try, which I found slightly insulting, but she doesn’t know my situation very well, so I’m not too bothered by it. But of course I try, in my own way. I just really don’t know how to do it without being weird, pushy, or obnoxious. I kind of just want to grab someone and go, “LET’S BE FRIENDS!” But, yeah. That won’t work at all.

Asperger’s does isolate me a lot. I’m just that awkward. I don’t think I realized how much I struggle because I feel like my other jobs have been pretty sheltering.

I’m also ironically stuck-up sometimes. That doesn’t help.

When I’m not at work, I’m mentally having long, in-depth conversations with myself on the discrepancies of anime plots, Apologetics (religious debates), and psycho-analyzing tiny details of every little thing that happened during my day. All the while, watching the way my kid is developing and being completely fascinated by her.

So it’s kind of hard to connect with people when I live in my own world.

My boss asked me to work on a goal this year. Basically to learn from mistakes, not be obsessed with them. Try to move on from problems and just do better next time. So that’s what I’ll be working on. Being a better me.

A Hairy Situation

I don’t have a lot of time to write this post, so I have to be brief in my explanations on things. This post has to do with my identity.

Several years ago, I was going through a rough patch in life, and as an outlet, I kept cutting my hair shorter and shorter. Eventually, I had enough and decided to try growing it out again. Long, long hair is something I’m very particular about. I don’t have great hair. It’s thin and looks stringy when it’s long. However, it’s something I identify with. I feel the most like “myself” when it’s long. It’s like a security blanket. I’m me when it’s long. Like an extension of myself. 

For my Asperger’s, it’s actually a way to help me to cope in public. It “dampens” or “filters” the input I get from the outside. I can feel calmer behind long hair, not because I’m hiding, but it helps me feel better like a filter, as I said. It’s hard to explain.

After my baby was born, I made the decision to cut my hair. Honestly, I couldn’t maintain it anymore with a baby. She’s pretty high maintenance too. And I dealt with it. I dislike short hair, but I dealt.

Well, I cut it again. This is the shortest it’s ever been. And since then, I’ve been at a horrible war with myself. 

You see, I’ve explained before that I have face blindness. This is not a metaphor, but I don’t recognize my face in the mirror because my hair is so short. I’m serious. I don’t know who that person is. If you catch me staring at myself in the mirror a lot more, I’m genuinely trying to figure out who I see.

This is so frustrating. It’s as if I have a totally different face.

Besides the identity confusion, it’s so short that I feel I am no longer feminine. Now, EVERY person who has seen it honestly likes it. They say it suits me. I have a face for short hair. I agree, I think. And I already admitted that long hair looks bad on me because it’s a bit stringy. 

And as I’m sure many of you will say, “Julie, it’s hair and it will grow,” yes, I’m aware. 

In the meantime, I am in an ongoing war. 

Suddenly, I think I look masculine. I want only to look feminine and pretty, but all I see is… we’ll I see exactly what’s there: a confused person who doesn’t know who she is. I see neither male or female. I see nothing. I feel so lost.

Short hair doesn’t mean non-feminine. I know many feminine-looking women with short hair. It’s me. I feel like it just doesn’t work for me, despite everyone telling me how flattering it is. I can’t see it. I mean, I see that it flatters my face. I can’t see it making me look nice at all, though. 

I guess I’m being vain and dramatic to some. But really, I’m just so confused about what I see. And I can’t decide if I should grow it out and be happy but have a hassle I don’t have time for, or keep it as-is until I do have the time for myself again. 

Updates! It’s been awhile…

Hello, everyone!

Since my last post, there have been several changes. I now no longer work at a radio station (although I’m still volunteering there), I now work in television! Actually, I’m the web person of the station. So, no, I’m not on TV. But that’s cool, because I really enjoy what I’m doing.

Basically, I manage online content and social media. Through my only three months at this new job/position, I realize how much I really need to work on this blog and its Facebook page. The problem is, I pretty much have almost no free time to manage either. I barely update my personal social media pages.

Being a new parent and working full-time is very exhausting – but of course, very rewarding as well.

Anyway, the cool thing is that I was able to write an article on Asperger’s on our webpage. So, please check it out when you get a chance: Living with Asperger’s

I also wanted the share that lately I am battling weird bouts of anxiety and depression. I believe most of it is stress related, especially since I barely get any rest or downtime. The biggest issue for me is the anxiety. It’s new. I mean, I’ve been very anxious about things before, but to have general anxiety with nothing to pinpoint it to – that’s new.

Here’s what I’m doing to try to help combat the anxiety:

1. Slow down at the times when I can. I spoke with my managers multiple times, and continue to keep the discussion going. They’re extremely supportive, thankfully, and are fully aware of both my Asperger’s and current anxiety. They explained that I shouldn’t take myself too seriously right now as I adjust to a new job (and I’m still adjusting to parenthood), and just do what I’m asked. I shouldn’t push myself further right now. And I do. I do everything I’m asked to do and if I find myself stressing about needing to do more, I need to stop and realize I’m doing a good job. I don’t have to be an over-achiever right now.
2. Take breaks. My managers are supportive of taking a breather. And so, if my work is done for the hour, I get up, get some water, eat a snack, ask questions, etc.
3. Stop freaking out at home: This one I’m still working on. I get upset that not everything is done at home, because, again, there’s just not a lot of free time. My husband and I also have different schedules, so right now we’re kind of coming and going. We’re hoping this is just temporary. Thankfully, he’s been very supportive of my issues too and he also encourages me to calm down and not stress out so much.

Basically, in a nutshell, I have to try to focus on the good things and try to soak in everything instead of worrying about what’s not being done – both at home and at work. And I really need to blog more, because it helps to type things out. Writing is such a great outlet for me, and I don’t utilize it enough.

Well, my very brief time of being able to blog is coming to an end. Thank you for reading! I do hope to update more often soon.